It was like an awakening. An epiphany.
I saw every single month that my husband and I were trying to conceive just there on my laptop screen, described to an absolute T, as a golden bloody turmeric latte!
For those of you trying to conceive, this cycle may resonate with you already. For the sake of everyone reading this, let me explain further adding in my personal take on the whole experience.
The cycle follows a woman’s monthly cycle (for ease of explanation this is represented as a 28 day cycle).
You realise you are on your period. The pain hits you like a ton of bricks. Not just because you learn that you are not pregnant, but because you had already convinced yourself you were. You realise you were wrong. Perhaps you had convinced yourself so much, that you already visualised the missed period, the positive pregnancy test and the joy that would make you feel. You had already thought about how you were going to tell your partner, your Mum, your other close friends and relatives; maybe you had that part planned for months. Instead you call your husband, perhaps your Mum or closest friend in tears. You just do not understand it; you are sure you had sore nipples, you felt sick, you felt “flutters” in your tummy. Perhaps even now, you still cannot believe it. You Google the possibility that you could be pregnant but bleeding. You have heard stories of women who have had periods while pregnant. However the more you Google, the more you realise it is true. You really are on your period. You are not pregnant.
It is your ovulation window. You are fertile. Sex is a must. You do not care how tired you are, how not in the mood he is (though let’s face it, the latter is unlikely). You need to hump like rabbits! You make a brief stop to the bathroom to piss on a stick just to make sure it’s all systems go and then you make your move (or moves depending on how wild you really want to get of course).
You’ve had a lot of sex. It is time for a break. Your laundry basket is filled with the sexy lingerie that you typically only got out for really special occasions before trying to conceive. Your partner never realised you could even be this horny and he is now moaning that his little soldier needs a rest. You are feeling satisfied and positive as you realise you might be pregnant. You start to picture that positive pregnancy test and it makes you happy to look at baby clothes, pushchairs, nursery furniture and all the other gorgeous things on the baby shopping list.
You remain hopeful, so you continue to visualise the “I’m pregnant” scenario, but overall, the fun stops. You are feeling sick, your nipples hurt, you are SO unbelievably hungry or maybe you have lost your appetite, and you feel flutters in your tummy. You ask yourself: “Am I pregnant? What if I am not? But I am sure I am. I feel different to normal”. You Google pregnancy symptoms. You don’t tick all the boxes and start to feel worried, anxious as you realise you might not be pregnant.
The cycle starts all over again and your trust and hope begin to waiver, moving you another step Downward on this Cycle of Despair.
During my fertility journey, I had zero inner peace. The emotions I felt developed before I even started trying to conceive. After years of suffering ovarian cysts, hospitalisation, more vaginal ultrasounds than bloody hot dinners, suspected endometriosis and an ovarian cystectomy, I had convinced myself that I probably would not get pregnant. After seeing all those closest to me fall pregnant without issue, it just seemed like it was my turn to break the pregnancy success mould.
While trying, I did not appreciate what was happening around me, or the fun I could have been having. I took almost every loving moment I was sharing with my husband for granted. Despite loving to travel I did not book holidays “just in case I was pregnant”. I would not drink wine during family celebrations “just in case I was pregnant”, or in case it would affect my fertility. The same goes for coffee. I moaned at my husband if he had too much beer because he needed to be “healthy”. I did not buy clothes I liked in case I would not fit into them in months to come. Instead I looked at pushchairs, nursery furniture and baby clothes excited for what could be to come, but equally upset that I did not need to buy any of those things yet.
As my heart sank every time I saw another pregnant woman walk passed me, life was all about becoming pregnant, or the “just in case’ I am pregnant. As I felt every single tummy flutter, nauseas twinge, lost my appetite or felt hungry hoping that I was pregnant, but fearing that I was not, I could not help feeling trapped in the very overwhelming Downward Cycle of Despair.
I have almost completed my training to become an FFF Specialist and I am very excited to offer my services from early 2020. FFF offers a specially formulated range of tools and techniques, which I am certain would have changed my whole fertility experience if available to me when I was trying to get pregnant.
Now, I want to make it my mission to help women and couples alike get back to being the person (or the people) they were before life became dominated by trying to conceive and those DAY 1 tears.
I don't want others to suffer in the same way as I did and
'Waiting to Live' whilst 'Living in the Wait'.
My name is Jessica Vella-Templeton. I am a half Maltese, nut butter loving and avocado toast obsessed unicorn believer based in Surrey.
I LOVE food, particularly plant based food. I share recipes on my website and Instagram pages – recipes include plant based cheesecake and Ferrero.
I am a wife to a tall ginger guy and a Mum to a cheeky little monkey. I love music, mindfulness, yoga and I believe we should all spend 5 minutes a day dancing like a 2-year-old.
Having been through my own fertility journey, I will neither forget the emotional rollercoaster we are thrust upon nor the power our emotions have during that journey.
You can connect with Jess here.